I would like to thank LenaFox and Dan for their responses, I apologize for not noticing them. In response to Dan's enquiry about coconutBattery results, the app shows NaN in many fields and 0 or 'none' in most others, it was really quite disconcerting. I would post a screenshot, but after replacing the battery the macbook works like its brand new! As occum's razor would suggest, it really just was underclocking the CPU since it was registering a faulty battery. Hopefully these symptoms and result help someone in the future, if my $50 Aliexpress battery explodes in my lap I shall post a warning on here, but so far so good! Keep on keepin' on, iFitit community!
After purchasing multiple sets of drivers to get these out, I recommend anyone who finds they don’t have an adaquet PH00 driver to skip any dollar store or RadioShack driver sets. Head down to your local tool shop or auto repair store and buy yourself a $5-$10 set of precision drivers with only a few bits. Don’t go buying yourself a 20 piece set and think you’re getting a deal, these screws require a good quality PH00 to be removed without stripping.
After purchasing multiple sets of drivers to get these out, I recommend anyone who finds they don’t have an adaquet PH00 driver to skip any dollar store or RadioShack driver sets. Head down to your local tool shop or auto repair store and buy yourself a $5-$10 set of precision drivers with only a few bits. Don’t go buying yourself a 20 piece set and think you’re getting a deal, these screws require a good quality PH00 to be removed without stripping.