iPhone 4 Oppression Kit

April 1, 2011 Hardware, Site News — Kyle Wiens
Typical Apple engineer locking down your iPhone.

Typical Apple engineer locking down your iPhone.

Apple is watching your every move. If you have already liberated your phone, reconsider. If your iPhone came with Phillips screws, you’re not out of the woods either. Fact of the matter is, if your iPhone has Phillips screws on the bottom, YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER.

On the lookout for offending individuals.

On the lookout for offending individuals.

“People simply disappeared, always during the night. Your name was removed from the registers, every record of everything you had ever done was wiped out, your one-time existence was denied and then forgotten. You were abolished, annihilated: vaporized was the usual word.” We read this in a book once. It might be relevant, or it might be over-the-top fear mongering. (But what if it’s not?)

We’ve known for a while that the carriers know where you are at all times. What if they are sharing your every move with Cupertino? Recent reports from the jailbreaking-and-tethering community indicate that Apple and their confederates know far more about what you’re doing with your phone than previously thought. What if Apple finds out that you liberated your phone?

This clear and present danger has convinced us that we were wrong all along. Our days of preaching open hardware and liberating phones are behind us. Instead, we are dedicating ourselves to protecting you and your loved ones with tried and true proprietary screws.

I’m convinced. Quickly, tell me what I need to buy!

You need safe, proprietary Pentalobe screws. They’re similar to Torx — except that the points have a rounder shape, and they have five points instead of six. Hence the prefix “penta,” Latin for “five,” and “lobe,” Latin for “point.”

To ensure 100% maximum protection, we’re selling these Pentalobe screws as part of a kit — the iPhone 4 Oppression Kit. You get everything you need to lock down your phone from prying hands:

  • Two Pentalobe screws to replace the Apple-fretting Phillips screws you used to liberate your phone.
  • Two screwdrivers for the task: a Phillips driver for the old screws, and a Pentalobe driver for the new screws.
  • iPhone 4 Oppression Kit card, which you should keep in your wallet as a faithful card-carrying member. As an added bonus, the card is a more Apple-approved color: white.
iPhone 4 Oppression Kit

iPhone 4 Oppression Kit

You’re risking the well-being of everyone around you with every minute that passes without the safe, secure Pentalobe screws in place. Buy the Pentalobe Oppression Kit today — if you swap your screws fast enough, your family will still be there when you get home!

9 Comments

  1. Wicked!

    I’ve ordered one! Can I expected delivery before 1st April 2012 ??

    Comment by Lee — April 1, 2011 @ 12:17 am

  2. Ahah, very funny.
    However “penta” is from the Greek, dude, not Latin
    Cheers!

    Comment by Dario — April 1, 2011 @ 12:58 am

  3. All kidding aside. What are you guys actually seeing that apple may be tracking? I know AT&T is tracking sharp data usage rise to detect jailbreaks using apps like mywi. I’m a newbie at all this & love your site. It’s helped me fix my friends apple products & my own. Let me know your thoughts

    Comment by Chris — April 1, 2011 @ 5:13 am

  4. Dario is right about it being greek, just looked it up: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Number_prefix . The appropriate latin number prefix for 5 would be “quinque”– of course, right?

    Comment by Eric — April 1, 2011 @ 6:28 am

  5. April fool !!! LOL

    Comment by flash — April 1, 2011 @ 9:40 am

  6. “Hence the prefix “penta,” Latin for “five,” and “lobe,” Latin for “point.” –> blatantly incorrect on purpose. It is April Fool’s, after all… What fun would it be without some easter eggs?

    For those offended, http://www.hark.com/clips/dkksjzvmxz-alright-alright-i-apologize

    Comment by miro — April 1, 2011 @ 10:55 am

  7. Who wants to bet that this is just an April Fo9ols joke? if it is… hahaha!

    Comment by Matthew — April 1, 2011 @ 2:50 pm

  8. i cant believe i fell for that

    Comment by naveen — April 13, 2011 @ 3:10 pm

  9. i just fell for it now… and it’s not even april, i even got lost thinking why were they tracking the screws… ;) xjx

    Comment by cHANNELtRONIX — April 27, 2011 @ 3:10 pm


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